AmericanQuixote: we need to rally the silent majority
espank9: when I was walking through a Ralph's a few months back, searching for stool softeners, that's when I realized that my youth was over
counter23feit: i got one of these yesterday
counter23feit: http://www.backyardcitypools.com/Images/BWP/NT257-Shock-Rocker-Float.jpg
counter23feit: it really only fits one other person
counter23feit: but there's plenty of room for a cooler of beer and a bunch of waterproof dildos
AmericanQuixote: We are pretty hard on atomic bombs
AmericanQuixote: considering we've only USED two to kill people
AmericanQuixote: out of the thousands we made!
AmericanQuixote: It's like, get off our back, already!
TunnelArmr: global supply chains are amazing
TunnelArmr: most of the fish we catch gets shipped all the way to china to be processed and packaged and then shipped all the way back
TunnelArmr: that can't possibly be efficient...BUT IT IS!!!!!
gorgeousmayday: you need more hobbies, besides the internet
TunnelArmr: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/05/31/AR2008053100972.html?hpid=topnews
TunnelArmr: it's an article about black people in utah
timsl17: this is good for idaho
timsl17: it's like finding an uglier girl to stand near to make us look better
TunnelArmr: http://www.aclu.org/pizza/
AmericanQuixote: Dude
AmericanQuixote: When your dystopia is based on expensive pizza you need to think again
gorgeousmayday: a few months ago, all of the regular employees here had to take a company-mandated sexual harassment seminar
gorgeousmayday: shortly after that, all of the spread-eagle furry figurines disappeared from my coworker's desk
gorgeousmayday: coincidence?
counter23feit: when it comes to this issue dave's house is made of so much glass that the T-1000 just rode a motorcycle through it
timsl17: think i saw that on the news the other day when i accidentally watched the news
counter23feit: i just came across someone's application that got routed to another department and the feedback from the hiring manager was just "lol"
gorgeousmayday: I was scarred by a Shark Bites commercial
gorgeousmayday: I couldn't go swimming in a pool by myself after I saw it
gorgeousmayday: to this day I'm not sure I could do it
TunnelArmr: maybe I can raise my kid as a roomba
gorgeousmayday: who says you can't?
gorgeousmayday: i mean, other than numerous government agencies
AmericanQuixote: He has this super murky past that I know nearly nothing about.
TunnelArmr: do you think he was in porn?
AmericanQuixote: Dude, he could have been like a special ops guy who was horrified by the atrocities during the invasion of panama and then found god and totally dropped off the grid to form a new identity
AmericanQuixote: Actually, now that I think about it, I'm sure that's it.
gorgeousmayday: there's no such thing as half black
gorgeousmayday: as I've learned from daytime talk shows, "one drop makes you whole"
Poshua: I didn't get good image search results for "gimp mask"
Poshua: then I realized that moderate safe search was on
chicajlp: my mom is always stunned that you don't have a girlfriend, she thinks you're just this cute nice guy
chicajlp: and i don't have the heart to show her the links you send me
Poshua: I want to start a japanese-style creperie called Crepe of Nanking
chiIled: i was wondering why you were sending me so many texts
chiIled: then i realized that i wasn't online
chiIled: its like the highway to my brain was down and you were taking surface streets
AmericanQuixote: I told that story about Ken to Kambria recently
TunnelArmr: so?
AmericanQuixote: It's a great story
[2 Minutes Of Silence]
AmericanQuixote: And then I shot the moon with a huge gun
TunnelArmr: it's my understanding that the purpose of marriage is mutual distraction
chicajlp: dan says the purpose of marrige is having someone who won't get that mad when you fart on an airplane
TunnelArmr: how can she get mad?
chicajlp: let's see, because the smell WAKES HER FROM HER SLUMBER??
TunnelArmr: you can write a bio for yourself if you want
gorgeousmayday: i was kinda planning on just taking some info about poison snakes and replacing "snake" with "dana"
counter23feit: how hard do you think it would be to convince daisy that black people had no fingerprints?
chiIled: dude that is how foods work
chiIled: foods that are intentionally crusted are fucking bomb
chiIled: but remember to steer clear of foods that are unintentionally crusted
TunnelArmr: an indian friend of mine posted pictures from an indian wedding in palm springs where the bride was carried in on an elephant
TunnelArmr: how does one go about getting an elephant for private use?
gorgeousmayday: if old cartoons have taught me anything, a trail of well-placed peanuts
counter23feit: i'm making a list of things i love
counter23feit: like when someone's behind you in line at the supermarket and the items he's purchasing speak such volumes about his life that you feel like you know him intimately
counter23feit: or when you've been in the ocean all day and you lie in bed at night and you can still feel the pull of the current tugging at your legs
TunnelArmr: well, this list really got gay in a hurry
counter23feit: or, uh, fucking women
counter23feit: my friend just texted me saying that he is on the haunted mansion ride at Disneyland and Snoop Dogg is there complaining to the attendant about how long it's taking to start the ride
chicajlp: 1400 on your SATs gets you into stanford
TunnelArmr: it does?
chicajlp: yeah, you say "look! a 1400! from a MEXICAN!"
TunnelArmr: oh, right
TunnelArmr: I hear the test is "culturally biased" anyway
TunnelArmr: (because mexicans don't use words or numbers?)
chicajlp: dude, XIV is a number
TunnelArmr: http://revver.com/video/209771/homeless-james-bond/
counter23feit: the chance that i would click on a link with "homeless james bond" in it is about as certain as the sun coming up tomorrow
Poshua: it is a pet peeve of mine when people use the abbreviations EST and PST when we are, in fact, on daylight savings time
Poshua: I am back from my five month break from being annoyed about this
chicajlp: if i had a penis, and i was kind of a slut, i would let you suck on it
chicajlp: ok, i would beg and plead for you to suck it, plus offer to do the dishes for a week
chicajlp: why did dan put his name as daniel?
chicajlp: that's so gay
TunnelArmr: what does that say about you, if you're marrying him?
chicajlp: that i am a dude
chicajlp: a gay one
On George W. Bush:
espank9: he is the Jimmy Fallon of the American Presidency
AmericanQuixote: I think you have a debate moderator instead of a conscience.
chicajlp: one of the top 25 netflix movies for sunnyvale, california is called helvetica, which is a documentary about the font
chicajlp: so i'm thinking about moving
AmericanQuixote: here are the following states I say fuck you to:
AmericanQuixote: Iowa, New Hampshire, Vermont, New Hampshire again, Rhode Island, and saving the best for last, DELAWARE.
espank9: turok?
espank9: i hated that game
espank9: it was like the oregon trail shooting game for 3 hours
Poshua: but an oil isn't an essence
Poshua: it has to be like a spice
Poshua: a flavoring
TunnelArmr: i wish i could call you gay right now and have it be insulting
Poshua: did I mention that my plans for tonight involve watching the top 8 women perform on American Idol, and then the Project Runway finale?
Poshua: oh and I'll be baking pork chops
chiIled: i want a coffin that says BRB
chiIled: oh man
chiIled: searching youtube for "gone wrong" is great
TunnelArmr: do you watch lost?
TunnelArmr: it just occurred to me that one of the characters looks like a thin tim russert
Poshua: I don't think you can have a thin tim russert
Poshua: I think fatness is part of the essence of russert
chiIled: dude the japanese call america beikoku
chiIled: which means riceland
chiIled: talk about backwards!!
chiIled: overheard in line at the element lounge on saturday: "BITCH, I'M FROM EAST OAKLAND, NIGGA"
chiIled: nicely bookended
After the death of Heath Ledger:
chiIled: i ate at specialtys today
chiIled: and ordered a hot australian sandwich
chiIled: in memoriam
atribecalledsean: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/health/healthmain.html?in_article_id=510172&in_page_id=1774
atribecalledsean: oh yeah, that looks like it should work perfectly, and definitely won't be featured in the "Absurd Technological Failures of 2008" article in the February, 2050 issue of Time Magazine.
AmericanQuixote: Nothing like driving drunk from SJ to SF on Christmas day, and then teasing tigers!
AmericanQuixote: Let's make that our tradition.
hangwidave: fun story
hangwidave: my 5th grade football team lost to the deaf middle school back home
hangwidave: and I have never lived down that deaf loss with my brother
hangwidave: like, he'll introduce me to friends and be like "Hey this is my little brother. He lost to the deaf school in football"
chicajlp: you know, sometimes you could say hi or something
chicajlp: instead of talking entirely in links
TunnelArmr: do you think obama can dunk?
AmericanQuixote: Of course he can
AmericanQuixote: and he can rap and dance well and he loves white women
AmericanQuixote: Michelle O. is just in blackface for the election
chicajlp: i don't have any babies
TunnelArmr: YET
chicajlp: why do we keep making this joke? are you going to hit on my infant daughter? are you going to fill my baby boy's mouth with peanut butter and watch him get all upset like a dog?
AmericanQuixote: What percentage of women do you think participate in porn?
TunnelArmr: i bet there are like
TunnelArmr: 50,000-100,000 women in america who have done genuine porn
AmericanQuixote: I was sort of hoping it was a secret among women that they ALL have done it
AmericanQuixote: Except the girls I've dated.
AmericanQuixote: "If anyone has not yet embraced the fact that hip-hop, through a main-stream perspective, is a dying breed; after listening to the musical styling of Soulja Boy in his debut album, Souljaboytellem.com., I'm sure that the truth will become evident."
AmericanQuixote: My feeling exactly!
AmericanQuixote: FUCK I should do my real job.
chicajlp: we have a ps3. dan would not notice if i started running a phone sex business out of our apartment.
TunnelArmr: there was an e-mail in our building a little while ago that was like
TunnelArmr: "if you drive a gold prius a branch just fell on it and shattered your windshield"
counter23feit: looks like the environment is really grateful for all that person's help
chiIled: dude here's america in a nutshell
chiIled: Article: 136 Killed in Bhutto Blast
chiIled: Advertisement: Is your skin too wrinkled?
Poshua: she and her husband are artists
Poshua: the husband sleeps in a tent in an area of the backyard which he calls (without irony) "the land of peace and kindness"
Poshua: in the most unsurprising statement of the night, he declared that he "loves" Dennis Kucinich
espank9: http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/25/tiger.attack/index.html
espank9: calvin forgot to put out the tiger traps! LOL
espank9: JK somebody died that's sad
KarnigP: so chase and I were putting up the lights on the christmas tree
KarnigP: when I acidentally initiated the birds and the bees talk by asking him for the male end of the lights
TunnelArmr: that's like saying "oh what a lovely house" when looking at a blueprint
AmericanQuixote: I disagree.
AmericanQuixote: What about a model?
AmericanQuixote: You enjoy a model by looking at pictures of her
AmericanQuixote: not by having sex with her
AmericanQuixote: unless you are tom brady
AmericanQuixote: then you impregnate her
TunnelArmr: you babysit for a homewrecker?
ucsbgirly12: well someone has to be a positive influence on the child
ucsbgirly12: plus, I want a wii
chiIled: my friend justin had a popcorn hangover once
chiIled: he got stoned and ate one of those 6.5 pound tins from costco in one sitting
AmericanQuixote: Which was safe, because everyone there was white
AmericanQuixote: Or asian, which is the same thing
AmericanQuixote: Note to self: Don't leave a dead dog in the trunk for more than one day. Or, more than one hot day, at least.
TunnelArmr: http://www.gapingmaws.com/
chiIled: i remember when i was a young boy
chiIled: if you wanted to see animals with their mouths stretched wide
chiIled: you had to actually go to the zoo
timsl17: "When Moss, one of Taylor's closest friends on the team, caught his first pass, he pounded his chest and held up his index and middle fingers and his pinky. It was his way of spelling "21" for all to see. He repeated the gesture throughout the game, sometimes with both hands."
timsl17: so in other words, to honor his dead teammate, he gave the shocker
espank9: you would be the laziest cop ever
espank9: if it couldn't be figured out on wikipedia, you'd throw up your hands in frustration and mutter something about your pension not being worth it
AmericanQuixote: The thug life does not appeal to me.
AmericanQuixote: I guess being in a gang might be appealing, what with the camraderie and loyalty and all. But not the thug part.
TunnelArmr: is this supposed to be surprising to me?
AmericanQuixote: Well, I'm listening to Trick Daddy's "I'm A Thug" and I realized I couldn't really understand where the singer is coming from.
AmericanQuixote: Why is he so sure the thug life is the life for him?
TunnelArmr: can you sell the stem cells of your aborted embryo?
TunnelArmr: it's tricky because in order to sell the stem cells, the embryo can't be dead yet, right?
TunnelArmr: so if that's ok, it would also have to be ok to sell your second-trimester fetus
Poshua: maybe next year's thanksgiving sensation will be the turduckfetus
Poshua: jacket with no tie = i am important enough that I don't have to prove it by wearing a tie
Poshua: tie with no jacket = cubicle drone
counter23feit: i think a good life goal would be to get yourself listed in the "Adventurers" category on Wikipedia
chiIled: think of this
chiIled: the next time your dad goes to a japanese restaurant
chiIled: he is simultaneously a loving father, devoted husband, skilled practitioner of law
chiIled: and, temporarily, a noodle crushing machine
TunnelArmr: if we invent time travel, our first order of business should be to send an entire pro football team back in time to like the 9th century
TunnelArmr: just to scare the villagers
counter23feit: you're not going to believe me, but i think about that ALL THE TIME
Rakshasa1O: dude how have I never looked at craigslist personals before
Rakshasa1O: "I'm 5'2", curvy (175lbs, size 14) Cute, great smile, funny."
Rakshasa1O: It's like where's waldo...except you're looking for the clue that she is truly hideous
AmericanQuixote: For the good of this country, you need to be taken for rendition to a secret CIA prison.
syyd67: oh noah
syyd67: you had me at homosexual congressmen
espank9: I must be off
espank9: find some funny stuff on the internet while I'm gone
espank9: I want a full report when I get back
AmericanQuixote: I can see some guy walking into his bedroom, finding Sen. John Warner fucking his wife, and then when he goes to shoot JW, JW leaps out of bed, jumps through the window, and runs laughing, naked, into the night.
AmericanQuixote: That's a weird fucking fantasy I just had.
atribecalledsean: i think roe v wade can be interpreted as a pretty strong endorsement of fetal sex.
counter23feit: i stayed home from work today because i'm sick
counter23feit: but now i might ACTUALLY BE SICK
counter23feit: what a miscalculation
TunnelArmr: check out james watson
TunnelArmr: http://i.l.cnn.net/cnn/2007/WORLD/europe/10/18/nobel.apology/art.watson.gi.jpg
KiyreEatsTrees: he is the cryptkeeper
KiyreEatsTrees: or maybe the crickkeeper LOL
chicajlp: dan really doesn't want girls
TunnelArmr: I bet you don't either
chicajlp: i would like one maybe
TunnelArmr: how about this
chicajlp: no
chicajlp: i'm saying no without hearing the plan
TunnelArmr: what the fuck
TunnelArmr: john mccain's MOM is still alive?
chiIled: i would not hit it
chicajlp: when your kid has both male and female sex parts, sometimes they remove one set, and that's fine
chicajlp: so why would baby castration be that bad?
chicajlp: oh my god, did i just say that?
espank9: how is it that the only way you're legally allowed to mess with a toddler's junk is to SLICE PART OF IT OFF!
atribecalledsean: i hope my office doesnt have an obscenity filter which can pick up on thinly veiled references to gay oral sex
atribecalledsean: or the words 'gay oral sex'
chiIled: i bought a space heater today
chiIled: and the manual is like 20 pages of just warnings on how not to die in a structure fire
chiIled: we tried to light the manual on fire using the heater
chiIled: and it didnt even work
chiIled: which casts the legitimacy of the whole manual into doubt
chicajlp: no one dies in porn
chicajlp: unless they forget the safe word
chicajlp: and that's their own damn fault
counter23feit: that reminds me of when i found out that my mom didn't believe in evolution
Poshua: we shat the bed in our pub quiz on monday
Poshua: b/c we are usually really good at the video round
Poshua: but this time it involved identifying pictures of porn stars and pro wrestlers
Poshua: and we are a bunch of homos
TunnelArmr:
espank9: 8=======> -------
espank9: whenever someone uses the winky face emoticon
espank9: I draw an ejaculating penis
espank9: especially when the conversation is about a forgotten genocide
Poshua: my dad calls Trader Joe's "Whole Foods for poor people"
"I can't get into Mormon Heaven without my spleen, OK?" -My brother, on why he isn't an organ donor
chiIled: yeah i'm in a penis-of-the-month club
On the size of [name deleted]'s ass:
AmericanQuixote: Like how it's hard to tell how big the pentagon is because you can really only see one side of it.
TunnelArmr: third world cities are like clown cars
AmericanQuixote: INDIA
AmericanQuixote: INDIA!
AmericanQuixote: IIIIIIIIINDIA!!!!!!!!!!!!
AmericanQuixote: I like that although this is a truly pointless and stupid argument, it is probably not even 5% as pointless and stupid as our maximally dumb argument.
KiyreEatsTrees: shirley temples and roy rogerses are probably still pretty good
KiyreEatsTrees: but if i tried to order one now it would be like, yep, i'm six!
KiyreEatsTrees: then again, there's nothing stopping me from ordering a peach margarita
KiyreEatsTrees: GIRL DRINK DRUNK
AmericanQuixote: I bet you in hell, all the girls are flat.
AmericanQuixote: There are a lot of things not allowed in your hypothetical.
AmericanQuixote: Hitler.
AmericanQuixote: Are you not allowed to be jewish in this hypothetical?
TunnelArmr: this pedophile got caught at the airport
TunnelArmr: and the contents of his luggage were a dora the explorer doll and petroleum jelly
skinnypuppy520: i believe that is the definition of "red-handed"
Guess the context, Round 4:
TunnelArmr: it's like we accidentally killed a stripper and buried her in the desert
TunnelArmr: and then we're re-killing her on a semi-daily basis
AmericanQuixote: And both keeping a record of it.
AmericanQuixote: That no one has access to, except a giant corporation.
"How about using your powers for good?" -My brother, after hearing my new pointless website idea
TunnelArmr: it's kind of selfish of superman to have a secret identity
TunnelArmr: why can't he just fight crime all the time?
TunnelArmr: how much shit is going down every minute he's in the fucking newsroom?
AmericanQuixote: Yeah, that has occurred to me.
AmericanQuixote: It's like, someone is going to die so he can shave today?
TunnelArmr: what's the most inappropriate thing you could rent a tuxedo for?
timsl17: an abortion?
TunnelArmr: do you have to a buy a corsage for that?
timsl17: i don't know, but i think the would-have-been mother has to throw the aborted fetus into the air, and whoever catches it gets the next unwanted pregnancy
AmericanQuixote: Hello world!
AmericanQuixote: I'm ready for some fucking awesome globalization! Globalize me hard!!!!!!!!
TunnelArmr: if the Fox NFL booth crew is to be believed, Frank Gore's dead mother just physically lifted him up and carried him 40 yards
counter23feit: as long as he gets fantasy credit for those yards, and not his mom
TunnelArmr: have preston weld you a dress made of guns
chicajlp: i was saving that idea for when i'm nominated for a grammy
AmericanQuixote: Play hardball - ask for the salary and office without the work.
counter23feit: what shape do you think would be the best for a 9/11 cake
counter23feit: and speaking of delicious
counter23feit: did you see the end of the 49ers game last night
Iceman7733: she's not that hot, but when you're in the dessert even mcdonalds looks good
TunnelArmr: "James Gordon Bennett, a newspaper baron, liked to announce his arrival in a restaurant by yanking the tablecloths from all the tables he passed. He would then hand the manager a wad of cash with which to compensate his victims for their lost meals and spattered attire."
AmericanQuixote: That's precisely how rich I want to be!
TunnelArmr: today I got rear-ended by a drunk legless man in a motorized wheelchair
timsl17: that's what SHE said
AmericanQuixote: The whole 'consent' thing is full of loopholes.
chiIled: mongeese are so tight
chiIled: they defeate cobras with superior agility
chiIled: as shown clearly by this diagram: http://www.nature.ca/notebooks/images/mongoose.gif
AmericanQuixote: there are some nights like that, when you are on your game, and then other nights when you drunkenly blather on about how awesome komodo dragons are for maybe ten minutes beyond the point where it is funny/cute/endearing/bearable to other people.
TunnelArmr: you always have the best possible dilemmas with women
counter23feit: best possible?
counter23feit: like, in the sense that i have to choose between two attractive chicks, instead of "i got someone pregnant, what type of staircase is the best to push her down?"
TunnelArmr: and I don't talk about it because I like to bury things deep down inside! hey-o!
AmericanQuixote: Up top!
TunnelArmr: someday I will say something and you will not have a ridiculous image to respond with
chiIled: yeah
chiIled: thats true
chiIled: but until that day comes, here's george bush chillin with some mongol horsemen
chiIled: http://www.historyofjihad.org/mongol3.jpg
d2rmbtb: so you get friended by random highschool girls who admire you for your sparkling wit
d2rmbtb: and i get poked by a random guy whose fav activities include "suicide", whose quotes include "lifes a bitch, lifes a whore, i just want to die" and whose profile picture is of a dead baby
d2rmbtb: how is this fair
chiIled: i think somehow we have accelerated to the point in our friendship where we are both eighty years old
AmericanQuixote: When you have two Ks, the laws of humor demand that you add a third.
timsl17: this is the worst september 11th ever
AmericanQuixote: Dude, maybe we should give each other veto power on wife choice.
TunnelArmr: I'm ok with that
TunnelArmr: as long as it can be overturned with a two-thirds majority of trojanburrito cast members
AmericanQuixote: Trying to work the Ex-Girlfriend Voting Bloc would be tricky.
d2rmbtb: what does a carpet shampooer look like?
d2rmbtb: im sort of picturing a vacuum
d2rmbtb: but with suds
d2rmbtb: or some type of illegal immigrant
AmericanQuixote: You can see the dots and stuff?
AmericanQuixote: Can you add things and edit things, too?
TunnelArmr: calm down you fucking taskmaster
TunnelArmr: I'm busy reading a wikipedia article
TunnelArmr: I will get to it when I'm ready
AmericanQuixote: I don't respect you when you are unemployed.
espank9: yeah, well, Phil doesn't have a vibrator in the shape of his own junk then
espank9: no, I don't own one
espank9: though I considered it for a good while as a gag birthday gift for Nicole
espank9: (we engaged in premarital sex)
chiIled: i just ate a chicken sandwich
chiIled: ho-lee eff
chiIled: it was delicious
chiIled: actually that is a TOTAL lie
chiIled: it was shitty
chiIled: i'm sorry i misrepresented my life
AmericanQuixote: "About me: I am a person that seek to love Christ with all my heart and soul. I look to passionately fall in love with Him even though sometimes I fail to show Him. "
AmericanQuixote: HOMO
counter23feit: i've watched like 7 movies this weekend, and 3 of them were the wedding singer
counter23feit: i don't even know if that makes sense
AmericanQuixote: Working with kids helps you get laid, whether or not you are a pedophile.
No explanation required:
chiIled: dude
a) speak every language
b) squirrels do your bidding
TunnelArmr: will artificial intelligence ever reach a point that using a computer is slavery?
timsl17: whoa one thing at a time
timsl17: i'm still thinking about what happens to a werewolf gamete when the full moon comes out
Guess the context, round 3:
TunnelArmr: they're really quite the same
AmericanQuixote: minus anal sex plus tennis
KiyreEatsTrees: that just goes to show how much atoms suck
KiyreEatsTrees: it takes so many of them to get anything done
chiIled: guess who tried to facebook friend me today
chiIled: MY DAD!
chiIled: dude!
chiIled: my fucking DAD!
counter23feit: i think for me the most disappointing part of death isn't even really the dying part, it's not being able to find out what the distant future will be like
counter23feit: i just hope i live long enough for the realistic sex robots to arrive
AmericanQuixote: I love being an adult!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AmericanQuixote: adulthood is like childhood minus rules.
AmericanQuixote: Today, I read comic books and played video games and had a grilled cheese sandwich and cheezits.
AmericanQuixote: Oh no! She's coming to visit!
TunnelArmr: this is when you reap the downside of being a friendly person.
AmericanQuixote: Consider that downside reaped!
TunnelArmr: what do you think the history of the stripper pole is?
AmericanQuixote: 1. There happened to be a pole in some place with a creative stripper.
2. She did a really sexy dance on it.
3. There was positive feedback in the form of one dollar bills
3. Other girls copied her.
4. Other girls at other clubs either lobbied for the installation of a pole or the manager there installed one upon hearing about this new feature.
5. William goes to his first strip club in 2002, enjoys seeing hot Canadian dancers take off their clothes. Appreciates the pole.
TunnelArmr: why is nicotine addictive? isn't it a plant poison that they evolved to kill animals that were eating their leaves?
AmericanQuixote: Maybe the strategy of tobacco plants is that if they make bugs eat them enough, fifty years later those bugs will die of a debilitating cancer.
AmericanQuixote: What amazes me is how mentally ill you sound, but how many thousands of times crazier other friends of ours are.
TunnelArmr: I wish I could be an astrophysicist and particle physicist without ever having to do math
chiIled: no
chiIled: you just wish that undiscovered shit was already on wikipedia
On being a crew member of the Enola Gay:
chiIled: i think for me i wouldnt be weirded out moralizing it
chiIled: the historical significance of it is weirder
chiIled: i'd be like wow this is significant...really significant!!
chiIled: and i'm witnessing it!!
chiIled: not just witnessing it, it's me doing it!! LOL
chiIled: speaking of historically significant, that was my all-time least appropriate "LOL"
TunnelArmr: we need to switch from "walking for a cure" to "working thankless but paying jobs for a cure"
TunnelArmr: I would much rather sponsor her having to work at mcdonald's for a day
AmericanQuixote: As would I! I'd also donate $65 bucks to "[name deleted] admitting in public she is a superficial, insincere social climber... for a cure "
TunnelArmr: do you know there is such a thing as a hypercane?
TunnelArmr: it's like a hurricane, but way stronger
Oroko Saki 69: really?
Oroko Saki 69: send me the link
TunnelArmr: why do you always assume there is a link involved
TunnelArmr: couldn't I have read it in a book?
TunnelArmr: or learned about it from a lecture at the local Elks lodge?
Oroko Saki 69: there is always a link, i am not sure you know how to open a book
chiIled: dude i just laid down such a horrible fart that the dog groaned when it reached him
chiIled: DUDE THE DOG JUST PUKED
TunnelArmr: http://www.ft.com/cms/s/122134be-ed14-11db-9520-000b5df10621.html
KiyreEatsTrees: They will also have to criminalise "publicly condoning, denying or grossly trivialising crimes of genocide, crimes against humanity and war crimes when such statements incite hatred or violence against minorities."
KiyreEatsTrees: how does it feel to be banned in europe?
On evolution:
chiIled: its like
chiIled: nothing-fin-foot-hand-flipper ... racquet?
counter23feit: I hate Fry's
counter23feit: it's honestly like the Island of Dr. Moreau in there
counter23feit: the cashier had some kind of horrific facial deformity and the manager was this enormous neckless man with a limp
chiIled: i think you should become independently wealthy by creating an internet phenomenon
chiIled: honestly you're kind of overdue
TunnelArmr: dude
TunnelArmr: mushrooms are SO WEIRD
TunnelArmr: have you ever really looked in depth at how mushrooms work?
TunnelArmr: No, you haven't. Why? Because nobody knows how they work!
TunnelArmr: also, all the weird-ass creatures that live on the bottom of the ocean floor...THOSE are aliens
KiyreEatsTrees: did you quit your job so you can just do insane drugs all day? because that's the impression i'm getting
TunnelArmr: the mongols really underwent a fall from grace
TunnelArmr: from biggest empire ever to seat of a country nobody cares about at all
chiIled: yeah
chiIled: all they are known for now is medium-to-strong barbeque prowess
My Brother: "Want to go out to bars in North Beach?"
Me: "Would I have to change?"
My Brother: "Yes...into someone who likes going out to bars in North Beach."
Poshua: you read a book?
Poshua: did you lose a bet?
chiIled: what if someone gave you a wedding present
chiIled: and all you did was say "fuckin SIIIIICCK", flash the metal horns, then pretend to take a bite out of the present while making a crunch sound
chiIled: oh wait that is EXACTLY what i would do
chiIled: except for getting married
chiIled: dude you werent online for 2 days
chiIled: i was worried you were dead
TunnelArmr: I can dump her for you if you want
counter23feit: yeah, i don't think it works that way
counter23feit: unless you're suggesting killing her
counter23feit: in which case i'll laugh heartily and secretly be serious
AmericanQuixote: Guns, Germs, and Steel talks about that
AmericanQuixote: But I won't tell you to read it, because that's like telling a german shepherd to read.
AmericanQuixote: Notgonnahappen!
counter23feit: what are you suggesting?
counter23feit: that i behave like an ADULT?
TunnelArmr: a ding dong is full of weird artificial plaster-of-paris and emulsifiers and shit
AmericanQuixote: Dude, they ate mashed up acorns and shit.
AmericanQuixote: Nice!
AmericanQuixote: We both ended our sentences simultaneously with "and shit"
AmericanQuixote: You should start a website: www.ridiculousnamesofblacklinebackers.com
AmericanQuixote: I might be exaggerating a little bit, but only by maybe seven orders of magnitude.
timsl17: i guess this should be a lesson learned
timsl17: never tell the truth
AmericanQuixote: Speaking of homeless people, I had pork and beans for dinner last night.
AmericanQuixote: It's weird to me that sites without any commercial intent still have to use .com, like trojanburrito.
AmericanQuixote: They should create a ' .pointless' extension.
atribecalledsean: worst food/drink combination?
atribecalledsean: edible underwear and communion wine
atribecalledsean: which i think has some sort of mentos and coke reaction
AmericanQuixote: That's why I couldn't get mad at him.
AmericanQuixote: If you did it, I'd be furious.
TunnelArmr: what a bullshit double standard
TunnelArmr: is there an upside?
AmericanQuixote: I guess I would do more for you than I would for him.
AmericanQuixote: Like, I would fly to China to bring you home if you were in trouble.
AmericanQuixote: With him, I'd be like, "Everyone has to die sometime!"
atribecalledsean: ok...you know the part in point break when johnny utah jumps out of the plane with no parachute?
atribecalledsean: he thinks about it for a second and then throws caution to the wind and yells "FUCK ITTTT"...
atribecalledsean: i've gotten into the habit of doing that after making very unimportant daily decisions, like picking out boxers for the day
atribecalledsean: i highly recommend it
atribecalledsean: try it next time youre choosing the size of your caramel macchiato
chiIled: what if all humanity was rounded up by hostile aliens
chiIled: and we were gonna be ground up and used as food
chiIled: and the aliens told each of us "we will let you live if you can answer one question"
chiIled: and then they were like "under what circumstances can you have pizza anytime?"
atribecalledsean: as an aside, i once saw a trio of albino japanese triplets walking past my house
atribecalledsean: is it safe to assume they are the only japanese albino triplets in the world?
atribecalledsean: and, more importantly, am i going out on a limb assuming they were archangels?
atribecalledsean: (this actually happened, and these are not rhetorical questions)
atribecalledsean: interestingly, the optimal betting strategy for spelling bees is the exact opposite of the optimal betting strategy for roulette.
atribecalledsean: never bet on black...SHAZZAAMMM
LiNDS10000: you know what's sad?
LiNDS10000: i just read the trojanburrito update.
LiNDS10000: there are more funny things to say ABOUT me, than i actually SAY
atribecalledsean: i think about that some times. what a 13 year old girl could accomplish with the body of a 23 year old man. the rest of the time i think about what it would be like if i were inside a 13 year old girl.
atribecalledsean: wait
chicajlp: you are very committed to making others feel bad
TunnelArmr: it is my artistic medium
TunnelArmr: some people paint in oil or in watercolor
TunnelArmr: I paint in guilt
chicajlp: and you're not even catholic
On baseball:
chiIled: I think of it like
chiIled: 9 guys have to get that little ball under control
chiIled: just scrambling around to get it reined in
chiIled: and 1 guy has to make sure that ball gets as out of hand as possible
chiIled: and you are rewarded by making it as chaotic as possible for the other group
chiIled: but if you dont let it get very out of control
chiIled: you are punished
chiIled: and have to go sit down
TunnelArmr: fuck itunes 7
TunnelArmr: I hate it
chiIled: you are the boy who cried wolf of hatred
AmericanQuixote: You know how if you put your mind to it, you can do anything?
AmericanQuixote: WRONG.
AmericanQuixote: Instead of "what hath god wrought" or whatever Bell was supposed to say as the first phone call, it was probably actually "Do me harder, you black stud"
chicajlp: i would like to tell you that the last time i clicked on one of your random wikipedia links, i said to myself "hey, noah spends all day clicking on random articles, maybe i can too"
chicajlp: i clicked "random article" and got the life story of a japanese porn star, and then my co-worker walked by and thought i was a perve
chicajlp: so thanks
[Editor's note: He is 23 years old.]
AmericanQuixote: Fuck
AmericanQuixote: I completely forgot how old I was.
AmericanQuixote: I thought I was 24.
AmericanQuixote: This has been happening a lot lately.
AmericanQuixote: I sincerely told someone I was 25 recently.
espank9: I only pay attention to international current events when a critical mass of people have joined a facebook group about it
TunnelArmr: http://www.porn-bread.com/vagina.htm
espank9: yep, the URL really said it all
espank9: not really sure why I clicked on the link
espank9: not really sure what I was expecting
espank9: yep, just gross
AmericanQuixote: It's times like these I wish you weren't so painfully insightful about people I care about.
AmericanQuixote: PSYCHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TunnelArmr: ok, a) no, and b) GOD
chiIled: ok, a) dude, and b) come on
espank9: are you to wikipedia what Lindsay Coleman is to facebook?
espank9: and what I am to adultfriendfinder.com?
On death:
AmericanQuixote: I especially don't feel sad for old people - it's like, yeah, that's what happens when you are old.
AmericanQuixote: Search
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
You searched for "how to take back a marriage proposal"
No page with that title exists.
AmericanQuixote: OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KiyreEatsTrees: it's pretty annoying when there's an amoeba driving poorly on the freeway
chicajlp: i'm having breakfast for lunch
chicajlp: i'm so fucking happy
chicajlp: you could bite my nipple and i'd still be happy
TunnelArmr: she is cool
TunnelArmr: but also the token "causes her boyfriend to be totally lame and stay home and not do fun things" girlfriend
AmericanQuixote: Every girlfriend is that girlfriend.
TunnelArmr: it's like the red rider bb gun
chicajlp: anal sex is nothing like the red rider bb gun
TunnelArmr: I think it's pretty similar
TunnelArmr: I ask Santa for it every year, and in the end, someone loses an eye
chicajlp: you should really not ask santa for anal
chicajlp: he does not appreciate your sense of humor
AmericanQuixote: Why wait till they are eighteen?
TunnelArmr: because you aren't supposed to be hitting that anyway
AmericanQuixote: Really?
TunnelArmr: are you joking?
AmericanQuixote: I didn't know that.
AmericanQuixote: Kids under 18 can't have sex?
AmericanQuixote: By law?
AmericanQuixote: The fact that a father cannot simply have a fetus run around the corner for a twelve pack of miller light is reprehensible.
AmericanQuixote: I mean, he is paying for that fetus.
KiyreEatsTrees: mmm
KiyreEatsTrees: you know what they say about cancer
KiyreEatsTrees: it always tastes better when it's free
counter23feit: my mom just called me to let me know my brother's dorm is on fire
counter23feit: i really hope his dorm doesn't burn down, because he would totally lose a sweet new computer and electric guitar
counter23feit: (and maybe some of his friends would die)
chiIled: dude
chiIled: read "taking dayquil on an empty stomach"
chiIled: it is chapter 1 of my new book HOW TO FEEL LIKE SHIT
KiyreEatsTrees: didn't your parents tell you not to wii until an hour after eating?
AmericanQuixote: Yeah, price is a real limiting factor for gadgets in your household.
AmericanQuixote: maximum sarcasm, captain!
counter23feit: how super is this super strength?
counter23feit: like just enough to get a 70+ year old man to be about three times as strong as a normal athlete in his 20s, or is he essentially Superman?
counter23feit: i gotta go to work
counter23feit: this is not over.
TunnelArmr: I hope I'm not unknowingly engaged on a technicality now
AmericanQuixote: I think becoming engaged after you get on one knee and ask a girl to marry you is hardly a 'technicality'.
AmericanQuixote: That's a pretty deep tattoo for a pretty slutty place to put one.
AmericanQuixote: Except for back hair.
AmericanQuixote: That's appalling.
AmericanQuixote: More money for stem-cell research, please!
TunnelArmr: really? you would fuck your sister for the sake of producing blue kids?
AmericanQuixote: A tough call.
AmericanQuixote: But ...maybe?
AmericanQuixote: Come on man, BLUE KIDS!
On The Da Vinci Code:
AmericanQuixote: I think even a retarded younger brother would find the prose stilted and unevocative.
chiIled: i'm actually surprised this conversation is continuing
chiIled: i was expecting a:
chiIled: my point is
chiIled: FUUUUUUUUCK YOU!
espank9: cheerleaders should be less like "professionals with contracts and a union" and more like "whores"
espank9: or "whores that like sports"
espank9: either/or
espank9: your only religion is sarcasm
counter23feit: well, that's the spirit of Christmas
counter23feit: imagining your grandparents taking turns clay-mining each other
counter23feit: pa-rum-pa-pum, pummmm
Poshua: do you celebrate christmas?
TunnelArmr: yes
Poshua: hm. I guess I could have just checked the trojanburrito archives to confirm that
chiIled: yesterday i was throwing pretzel bits into eben's mouth from across the room
chiIled: and i got a nothing-but-net but he started choking
chiIled:
Poshua: "Well known for serving a delicious mutton chop, the steaks and sides are also top-notch."
Poshua: I think that's the first time I've ever seen the term "mutton chop" used to describe meat rather than facial hair
KarnigP: how many times do you think relationships have started because a guy yelled DIBS about a girl?
chiIled: you want to get lunch?
TunnelArmr: I'm not hungry at all
chiIled: go purge
TunnelArmr: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/monologues/13morganfreeman.html
Poshua: as an uncoordinated homosexual, I don't really relate to monologues about pop-a-shot
atribecalledsean: i was over at my friend's house the other day and he showed me this hilarious "Chronicles of Narnia" rap. i wish i still had the link. it's so great.
atribecalledsean: it's a rap...about the movie
atribecalledsean: you get it?
atribecalledsean: people usually rap about things that are totally different than a movie like Chronicles of Narnia...but in this video, they do exactly that
Poshua: nothing says "opportunity" like a flaccid penis
TunnelArmr: on thursday I decided to make alex trebek jewish on his wikipedia page
TunnelArmr: and it hasn't been changed back yet
TunnelArmr: is it pushing my luck if I photoshop a yamulke into his picture?
atribecalledsean: i think you'd have a roughly five minute window
atribecalledsean: but it would be the greatest five minutes of my, and i assume your, life
TunnelArmr: you should instigate an anti-inflammatory drug vs. inflammatory response tug-of-war
TunnelArmr: keep taking more and more drugs and doing more and more things that should cause inflammation, and see which wins
chiIled: result: amputation
TunnelArmr: it was awkward
TunnelArmr: we both obviously recognized each other
TunnelArmr: and both chose to pretend we didn't
chiIled: man
chiIled: the adult version of pretending is way less fun than the child version of pretending
TunnelArmr: someone said "boy, those Jews sure do stick together"
TunnelArmr: and my brother said "Not if you grease them up before you put them in the oven."
Poshua: wow
Poshua: he sure is related to you
counter23feit: we'll discuss this later, when i can waste work time on it
"The NBA playoffs are like a game of musical chairs for retarded children where there are more chairs than kids." -Mike
TunnelArmr: you never know what kind of things you will find on the internet when you tug on a loose thread
atribecalledsean: i've found that thread is usually connected to a used tampon in a midgets ass
atribecalledsean: god i love the internet
TunnelArmr: do you think that if you had alzheimer's on 9/11, you would have found all the "we will never forget" bumper stickers offensive?
counter23feit: i'd say more confusing than offensive
counter23feit: because you would be like, "what won't they forget?" but then you would be immediately surprised by the fact that a stranger is sitting in the passenger seat of your car
counter23feit: i wonder if it's like Memento
William: "When you get your shoes shined, do they use a brush or just a rag?"
Me: "They use a brush first and then a rag. I guess the brush is to remove impurities."
William: "Like your Jewish blood?"
TunnelArmr: that is definitely the first time anyone has ever suggested that I should confuse two terms
atribecalledsean: well, this is the first time that i've actually checked to see if www.talkingjewishanuses.com was a registered domain name..so, first time for everything i guess
chiIled: MAN FUCK AGING
chiIled: cant i just have the being wiser part without the having a worse body part
chiIled: THIS IS BULLSHIT.
atribecalledsean: listen, if any justification for why i shouldn't do something has more than 2 steps, i generally ignore it and do it anyways.
counter23feit: we were bowling, and some of the girls literally could not pick up the bowling ball i was using
counter23feit: and it was a 14-pound ball
counter23feit: on a related note, raping someone is probably much easier than i would have thought
atribecalledsean: i've never met a Mormon either, that doesnt mean that i don't know that they arent to be trusted
atribecalledsean: (quadruple negative??)
chiIled: i own no scarves, no earmuffs, no gloves, no thermal pants, nothing warmer than a baseball cap and a sweatshirt
chiIled: if it got like blizzard-cold i would probably just wear a blanket to work
chiIled: actually that is a total lie: i just wouldn't go
TunnelArmr: what do you think the minimum waiting time is before a young widow starts sexually fantasizing about her dead husband?
chiIled: you are so goddamn weird it's unreal
chiIled: but i dunno like a month?
chiIled: its gotta be between the initial shock of the loss and before she has grieved enough to start fantasizing about other men
chiIled: plus at least a few weeks of sexual frustration before it gets to that
TunnelArmr: i'm glad that, despite chastising me, you answered the question in detail
chiIled: oh yeah you knew that was coming
TunnelArmr: that fact about his boyfriend is like the Neverending Pasta Bowl at Olive Garden, except for humor instead of pasta
AmericanQuixote: BEST METAPHOR EVER.
TunnelArmr: (simile)
AmericanQuixote: LEAST MEANINGFUL GRAMMATICAL DISTINCTION EVER.
AmericanQuixote: Your house is like the hidden valley full of star leaves at the end of "The Land Before Time"
KiyreEatsTrees: i wonder what miss manners would say about inviting some kid in a wheelchair to an ice skating party
AmericanQuixote: I have the google home page, google calendar, and then four hardcore fetish porno sites that load at startup.
TunnelArmr: this is an outstanding gift idea
TunnelArmr: http://www.zombieportraits.com/
espank9: chances of this link being the exact opposite of how you have billed it to be
espank9: 25%
KiyreEatsTrees: i was looking at some webcomic earlier where the author had typed out "jean e se qua"
KiyreEatsTrees: YOU ARE ON THE INTERNET, LOOK IT UP
KiyreEatsTrees: (then kill yourself)
"I would be 250% more likely to watch this show if the cases were opened by homeless people instead of models." -My brother, on Deal or No Deal
On couples with age differences:
counter23feit: i think the key criteria should be "Was the older person old enough to remember playing a specific video game before the younger person was born?"
chiIled: cant believe we are doing this
chiIled: i'm broke
chiIled: i literally am getting a wii instead of renewing my car insurance
KiyreEatsTrees: someone really should invent onion gloves
TunnelArmr: what? like, gloves made of onions, or gloves for handling onions?
KiyreEatsTrees: just onion gloves
KiyreEatsTrees: you know what i mean
chiIled: beers are awesome
chiIled: "oh hey here's a tasty beverage in a social setting! what's this?? i'm now intoxicated?? BONUS!"
counter23feit: i am in a presentation right now where someone has their screen projected up onto the wall
counter23feit: and right in the middle of it someone instant messaged them the word "BALLS!"
TunnelArmr: either that or it's an elaborate cover story for some personal project he is ashamed of, like painting a mural-sized picture of rainbow brite to masturbate to
AmericanQuixote: That couldn't take more than two or three weeks.
TunnelArmr: that he's painting while holding the paintbrush between his buttcheeks, facing away from the wall
TunnelArmr: in the traditional style of his ancestors, the Hopi Indians
AmericanQuixote: Yeah.
AmericanQuixote: Pretty unlikely, though, maybe?
During an argument about diet sodas:
chiIled: regular diet coke is just the most refreshing option
chiIled: and every restaurant has it
chiIled: it is ubriskuitous
chiIled: man that word is a mindfucker
chiIled: dude, fuck diet pepsi all over the walls with a firehose
chiIled: i'd rather drink baja blast
10 Minutes Later...
chiIled: also i'd like to resubmit ubriskuitous as rife-freshing
Kik i t krazy: I bet its a pain tucking an extra foot and a half of cord into your underpants at the gym
Kik i t krazy: (not to be taken out of context)
TunnelArmr: pulling a william consists of inviting someone lame to something, thus performing a funectomy on it
AmericanQuixote: and pulling a Noah is bitching about someone pulling a [name].
chiIled: you know what i'd like to see more of?
chiIled: "...are the same person!" type of scandals
KiyreEatsTrees: it is totally insane that japan went from being a country of crazy samurai warriors to crazy zero fighter pilots to crazy videogame robots
KiyreEatsTrees: i'm probably generalizing, though
TunnelArmr: dude on thursday remind me to tell you a great story from my childhood
TunnelArmr: for some reason I had forgotten about it until now
chiIled: tell it now
TunnelArmr: too lazy
chiIled: yeah thats fine
chiIled: honestly i'm too lazy to hear it right now too
AmericanQuixote: I would rather listen to NPR than have sex with her.
TunnelArmr: Chris Berman should call Ben Utecht Ben "The Treaty of" Utecht
TunnelArmr: if he played in NFL Europe a commentator could say "and Ben 'The Treaty of' Utecht puts an end to the war of this Spanish posession"
chiIled: shouldnt that be in a cover letter instead of in an IM to me?
chiIled: god, can i name every single otter pop flavor?
chiIled: augustus the grape?
chiIled: oh it was alexander the grape
chiIled: i should have guessed alexander
chiIled: he is one of history's grapest otters
chiIled: in other news, i just made a space chainsaw
chiIled: and it is pretty badass
AmericanQuixote: Maybe it's just the huge buildup, but that was pretty disappointingly un-mindblowing.
AmericanQuixote: I expected like, "Touch your nose... it isn't even there!" or "I just jerked off myself... from the future!"
pajamest: it doesn't get more mother-rapey than a trailer park in alabama
AmericanQuixote: Yeah, seriously. Way to fuck up the easy definition of what a mammal is, monotremes.
AmericanQuixote: Way to highlight the fact that taxonomy isn't really a reflection of underlying reality, but is really just a human imposed attempt to impose order on a basically fluid and chaotic variety of genetic diversity, monotremes.
AmericanQuixote: While you're at it, just delete the word 'imposed' from the previous sentence, monotremes.
chiIled: that reminds me of the time i was at longs
chiIled: and i came back from my break
chiIled: and the store was empty, my boss and the other clerk were gone
chiIled: and i went into the back and found a piece of paper on the store desk that said:
THE GREAT ICE CREAM SANDWICH CHALLENGE OF 2000
Joe Randy
||||| |||| ||||| ||
chiIled: joe was in the bathroom and randy was behind the store in the ivy, vomiting
counter23feit: god these fucking wildfires are making my nose run
counter23feit: i imagine they must be kind of a bitch for the firefighters who died in them too
TunnelArmr: what should I ask for for christmas?
counter23feit: this is troubling on several levels
counter23feit: 1) you celebrate Christmas
counter23feit: actually that's about it
TunnelArmr: but I saw her a little while ago and she looked way worse
TunnelArmr: her skin tone and the shape of her face had changed enough for her to switch from "pretty hot" to "off-putting"
AmericanQuixote: Thank god I'm unlikely to run into her, so she will stay forever pretty hot in the unreachable yet sometimes fulfilling, as in situations like this one, land of memory!
TunnelArmr: I was scanning through AM radio the other day
TunnelArmr: and ended up on a channel that was thai or malaysian or filipino or something
TunnelArmr: but they were periodically using english terms in proper nouns
TunnelArmr: and at one point
TunnelArmr: they were like "blah blah blah blah rodrigo's hair salon blah blah blah blah guaranteed!"
TunnelArmr: they don't have a word for 'guaranteed'? what kind of sheisty culture is that?
chiIled: yeah
chiIled: they are probably like "what the fuck, they don't have a word for feng shui? how do they keep the invisible demons out of their homes???"
DRBMAGIC1: she plays softball really well though...
DRBMAGIC1: (dyke)?
chiIled: our fucking dog threw up in my room this morning
chiIled: as an act of revenge i'm certain
chiIled: she does it all the time
chiIled: whenever we all leave the house she anger-shits somewhere in the house
AmericanQuixote: You know you live in a bad part of town when the most common poster ads are of Magic Johnson recommending a brand name AIDS medication.
chiIled: dude how the fuck do dreams happen
chiIled: they are so realistic but absurd
chiIled: its like anything is fair game to be accepted or rejected as reality
chiIled: like if your mom was a griffin
chiIled: you'd have all the memories and meaning of the relationship with your mother, you'd be able to empathize with what she is thinking and what you mean to her but be completely oblivious to the fact that she is a FUCKING LION with the head of a FUCKING EAGLE
AmericanQuixote: You are truly the Renaissance Man of the new millenium. You don't want to be proficient in everything - you just don't want to be too sharp in anything.
AmericanQuixote: A Jack-of-No-Trades, if you will.
counter23feit: that is now #2 on my "List of Things to Buy After I Become Rich"
TunnelArmr: what's #1?
counter23feit: a full set of Spartan armor would be pretty tight
TunnelArmr: there is a breaking news alert that he broke his collarbone
chiIled: haha "breaking news"
TunnelArmr: do you think people would still complain if we switched from existing torture methods to just making prisoners at Guantanamo eat Capn Crunch without any milk?
counter23feit: Waffle Crisp is WAY worse
counter23feit: that is the Iron Maiden of the cereal scrape torture
TunnelArmr: right now I'm in one of those modes where I seem to be hungry no matter what I eat
counter23feit: that only happens to me when i'm eating certain things
counter23feit: dead hookers, for example
counter23feit: that hunger just never seems to go away
AmericanQuixote: You are trying to convey a fantastical game of baseball between airplanes and skyscrapers, which is humorous in the context of Cory Lidle's death and the Al Qaeda attacks of 2001.
AmericanQuixote: However, a game of baseball between skyscrapers and airplanes would be funny even without that context!
AmericanQuixote: Just imagine it!
AmericanQuixote: Let me call Pixar.
AmericanQuixote: I try to maintain eye contact with her during a work related conversation
AmericanQuixote: Downside: don't get to check out boobs.
AmericanQuixote: It's too bad girls have them on their front.
AmericanQuixote: Let's get God to work on that for Universe v. 1.2
TunnelArmr: like yellowcake uranium from libya
AmericanQuixote: BTW, that is a totally delicious name for uranium.
chiIled: a friend of mine mentioned that she is not on the pill anymore
chiIled: and i asked why
chiIled: and she said "pure laziness"
KiyreEatsTrees: earlier i got im-gangraped by your trojan burrito groupies
skells528: i really want that to happen but thomas is being dumb about his ex-gf
TunnelArmr: this is the one your parents don't like, right?
skells528: well, in their defense, she is a manipulative bitch
skells528: but in thomas' defense, she is really pretty
espank9: can trojanburrito have a tribute to Mark Foley week?
espank9: the best in innapropriate sexual IMs?
TunnelArmr: do you think there's an alternate dimension where everything is the same as Earth except they tie up boats with Nerds ropes instead of real ropes?
espank9: I'd have to consult my "Sliders" VHS library
espank9: yes Noah, this is God
espank9: I need you to stop wasting your time on the internet and start building a freakin huge ark
TunnelArmr: you're such a legitimate adult now
TunnelArmr: it's kind of upsetting
skinnypuppy520: i'm not sure that furnishing something makes me a legitimate adult
TunnelArmr: well, let's review:
TunnelArmr: you are currently shopping for nice wooden furniture
TunnelArmr: whereas I spent last night at an arcade and cashed in all my tickets for 21 Nerds ropes, which I am now eating for breakfast at noon
skinnypuppy520: i still giggle at the word 'boobs'
skinnypuppy520: i'm still single
skinnypuppy520: coincidentally
sarah70783: A collection of med school jokes:
Will: I got post-translationally modified (after he got switched to the other team in basketball)
Brian: You mean apoptosis? (responding to Jon saying "I drank so much last night, I was dead.")
Brandon: Let's roll out like a neutrophil
Audrey: These lectures are like the amino acid code...they go over the same stuff...you know...degenerate.
me: (crosses fingers) We're tight like Holliday junctions.
Mike N: Gonna study about the Golgi apparatus and his "buddies."
TunnelArmr: do you think that when prostitutes recruit johns over instant messenger, they use the "money mouth" emoticon?
counter23feit: not as much as the "kissy face" emoticon
counter23feit: "c'mon, i'll make it worth your while
... but it'll cost you 
"counter23feit: "it's $100 for the
and $400 if you want to put it in my 
"
counter23feit: would you rather have sex with Rosie O'Donnell, or Kate Beckinsale 10 minutes after she died?
counter23feit: god
counter23feit: i just ran over a homeless man
timsl17: it's pretty much the only thing i accomplished since i've been home
timsl17: other than designing a "Muhammed is Da Bomb!" t-shirt
timsl17: but that is so 2005
AmericanQuixote: every morning before work do you read the WHOLE INTERNET, start to finish?
espank9: to quote Ben Affleck from good Will Hunting, "If you are still here in forty years, forwarding me links about toilets that incinerate human fecal matter, I'll fucking kill you"
TunnelArmr: http://www.wombatnation.com/essays/incinolet_part2.html
TunnelArmr: it's a toilet that incinerates waste at 1200 degrees instead of flushing it
espank9: you need a girlfriend more than anyone else I know
espank9: I don't know why I'm telling you this
espank9: probably because I kinda consider you as my e-therapist
espank9: always there, but tough to tell if you're actually listening
espank9: and at the end of the day, yeah, I feel better, but I feel like I've been screwed out of sixty bucks and some pride
espank9: oh, you're idle
espank9: how convenient
espank9: (this is the e-equivalent of a real therapist falling asleep in his chair)
chiIled: he has a plane ticket
chiIled: he leaves friday
chiIled: to go to peru
chiIled: and do peyote
chiIled: in the woods
chiIled: with shamans
chiIled: I AM NOT KIDDING. I AM NOT KIDDING. I AM NOT KIDDING. I AM NOT KIDDING.
On Rudy Giuliani:
AmericanQuixote: I'm not sure I'm rooting for anyone for president in 2008, but I'm definitely against him.
AmericanQuixote: Is there some sort of smear campaign I can volunteer for?
timsl17: i don't really understand it at all
timsl17: because she has read trojanburrito before
timsl17: so did she say something like "I really didn't mind when you trivialized rape those 17 times, but the 18th time really got to me"
AmericanQuixote: LIE.
AmericanQuixote: See, that's an example of something girls do a lot...when they say something they don't mean.
AmericanQuixote: Well, if you aren't going to side with me, why do you even answer?
chiIled: true or false: bat semen can make you fly
chiIled: true...IF you are a bat ovum
espank9: god, it's like I'm e-married to you
JakeV: I was thinking a funny gag gift would be a cardboard cutout of an old school prison guard, with the cutout carrying a big hose, and then you turn it on and it blasts you, solitary confinement shower style, and a speaker in the cutout yells insults at you
JakeV: I was also thinking of writing a screenplay and titling it: Sam Adams: The story of a boy, named after a beer, named after a man
AmericanQuixote: It would be like motorboating the Virgin Mary.
AmericanQuixote: Welcome to the 'Divinely Chosen to Irritate Lindsay Coleman Club'
KiyreEatsTrees: if you drink whole milk regularly
KiyreEatsTrees: YYOOOUUUUUUU AARREEE made of butterrrr