Origins
This profile quote archive continues a proud human tradition of recording off-color jokes for posterity. Other historical examples are easy to come by. The Code of Hammurabi, the Bible, the Decameron, Locke's Second Treatise on Government - these were all examples of people trying to share misogynistic and racist humor with peers. Unfortunately, in many cases people didn't get the joke and took them as words to live by. French paleontologists uncovered the earliest known record of a profile quote archive in 1932, estimated to be over 22,000 years old:
I've always spent a lot of time on instant messenger, and sometime around 2004 I got in the habit of putting quotes from my conversations in my profile and away messages. I don't remember who originally suggested the idea of compiling them all on a website. I think it may have been skinnypuppy520. Regardless, in the summer of 2004 I started saving all of the quotes I used in a plain .txt file in case I decided to do something with them later. Then, one afternoon in the fall of 2004, I went through the 150 or so quotes I had and slapped together a very basic website for them on my university webspace. The rest, as they say, is history:
The Site's Growth Over Time
At its inception, the site featured barely over 100 quotes. Since then, it has grown quite steadily, although growth has slowed as various key contributors have gotten "jobs," gotten "married," or joined the "army." I typically update the site when I have between 20 and 25 new quotes, which, as some detractors will tell you, is not nearly often enough, but I stand by it.
Why did you make this site?
I don't have a good answer for that. Someone gave me the idea and I ran with it. This site is nice because it's a completely frivolous project that's never finished. It's like a ship in a bottle that I can spend hours refining whenever I'm bored. Plus, revamping the site gave me an excuse to learn PHP/MySQL, something I'd been meaning to do for a long time.
Why is the site called Trojanburrito?
When I was relocating the site, I struggled for a long time to come up with a good domain name. I was trying to fill several criteria with my selection:
I came up with a lot of ideas that met all these criteria. But they were all taken. So instead I settled for trojanburrito.com, which at least meets requirement #4. It comes from this quote:
KiyreEatsTrees: i'd keep them in separate rooms so they couldn't collaborate and build a giant trojan burrito in which they could escape
Many people ask me what the context of this quote is, and I don't remember all the details. We were discussing Freebird's, a burrito place in Isla Vista, CA that makes pretty much the best burritos ever. I think we were planning various ways to kidnap and enslave Freebird's staff members to ensure ourselves a lifetime of delicious burritos, when DJ made this remark about keeping two chefs in separate rooms so that they wouldn't be able to escape in a giant "trojan burrito," presumably similar to the Trojan Horse (SPOILER ALERT) that the Greeks used to infiltrate the walls of Troy.
Why did you choose the screen name TunnelArmr?
When I was a kid, I played a video game called Final Fantasy III. It remains one of the greatest games of all time. At one point, there was a boss in a cave that looked like some sort of weird Mad Max motorcycle with a bunch of spikes and drills, and its name was supposed to be "Tunnel Armor" (those kooky Japanese translators!). In the game, there was a ten character limit when displaying an enemy's name during a battle, so they were often abbreviated - "Tunnel Armor" became "TunnelArmr." They didn't have to abbreviate the name when writing out the dialogue, but they accidentally did so and when Celes sees the boss, she shouts "TunnelArmr!!!" I don't know why, but I found this hilarious at the time, and I made "TunnelArmr" my IRC nickname. Later, when I downloaded AIM for the first time, I made it my screen name out of habit, not realizing that such a stupid pseudonym would be stuck with me for the rest of my life.
Who is KiyreEatsTrees?
Not much is really known about KiyreEatsTrees. He may not even exist, like (SPOILER ALERT) the Wizard of Oz, or he may be an amalgamation of many individuals, like (SPOILER ALERT) the Megazord. His hobbies include Mario Kart DS and eating pizza cookies. Click here for a unique insight into the mind of a madman.
How do you maintain the site?
I started out just keeping all the quotes in a plain .txt file, and I've continued to do that ever since. In its first incarnation, I would go through the new quotes and add the formatting tags and put them in order semi-manually using Excel and a few formulas. Now that the site is database-driven, it's much simpler. All the headers, footers, etc. are in separate files that I can edit without screwing anything up. When I want to add quotes, I still have to add the formatting tags myself (since I store them in plain text like an idiot), but that only takes a few minutes, and then I just add new records to the master database.
Could you please give me a completely unnecessary histogram of the number of lines per quote?
A completely unnecessary and time-consuming project with no point whatsoever? Does that sound like my idea of fun? Yes, yes it does.
Why do you talk about rape/domestic violence/child molestation/homosexuality so much?
Because, contrary to popular belief, those things are all funny under the right circumstances.
Why is your site so full of crass language/racial stereotypes/anti-Semitism?
See above.
Did you know that some of these statements are capital offenses in Saudi Arabia?
Yes, I did - but really, what isn't a capital offense in Saudi Arabia?
Has anyone ever been fired/sued/thrown in jail because of something they said on their site?
Not yet, but experts predict that won't hold true for long:
Has this site ever been mentioned elsewhere?
Yes, it received a brief write-up on flamingolounge.net, an "online college newspaper" that covers lots of random things (some even more random than this site).
Who are the top contributors?
As of July 18, 2006, KiyreEatsTrees is the runaway leader with 135 quotes. Rounding out the top 5:
Testimonials
What other people are saying about the Trojanburrito.com experience:
atribecalledsean: i feel like ive joined this whole new circle of friends, but none of them know it yet
atribecalledsean: since ive never met any of these people, ive invented faces and entire life stories for them
atribecalledsean: im always refreshingly surprised when i read some of the really funny things that his female friends write...and i think to myself, how come ive never befriended any funny girls. then i look at their pictures, and see that they are asian.
atribecalledsean: that pretty much answers my question
Xx 66withMix xX: I love it. Maybe it's the arbitrariness, but you're my idol. ^_^
Xx 66withMix xX: Oh right and hi, I'm Martyna.
Xx 66withMix xX: I live in Chicago.
TunnelArmr: so...do I know you?
Xx 66withMix xX: No I just wanted to say I loved your profile quotes archive.
Sarah70783: your site of old profile quotes
Sarah70783: made me and my roommate laugh for a continuous 2 hours
Sarah70783: she actually fell of my bed
Sarah70783: twice
ParysLu: OH MY GOD i waste so much time on your fucking site.
skinnypuppy520: way to be not-profile-updatey
chiIled: dude update your FUCKING site
eiseq: your away messages never fail
eiseq: ever
ShoguNate2: YOUR PROFILE SITE IS DRAINING AWAY MY LIFE
ShoguNate2: I WAS INITIALLY LIKE, "THAT IS LAME"
ShoguNate2: AND NOW I AM LIKE, "PLEASE, I MUST READ ALL THE QUOTES FROM PEOPLE WHOSE NAMES START WITH 'P'"
KiyreEatsTrees: ok, two things
KiyreEatsTrees: #1. i can't believe you made that
KiyreEatsTrees: #2. i can't believe i just read that from start to finish kill me now
Poshua: this is really just a showpiece for employers, huh?
ShoguNate2: you're not really in college, are you?
ShoguNate2: i mean, how you would have the time to put together a fucking AIM-CYCLOPEDIA if you were actually doing real work??
AmericanQuixote: I don't know what's creepier: DJ's picture on your website, or the fact that it's actually DJ.
calikara: i just thought i'd tell you that your profile is incredible; it's one of the first stops on my regular procrastination tour of the IM away messages
scran007: i check your away message from time to time, and i'm usually either confused or offended, but hey, what's new ;-)
AmericanQuixote: I am glad that no girl I am trying to sleep with reads your profile
crazyborachos13: those are the noah profile quotes that i know and love
chrisfez: noah, thank god for your profile and away messages, otherwise i'd have nothing to waste time reading
glennjaminnian: your profiles and away messages are becoming increasingly disturbing
Help
I would like to think this site is self-explanatory. If you are really having trouble, I suggest panicking.
Contact
To reach me, use the Contact page. Alternatively, you can e-mail me at myscreenname AT thisdomainname DOT com.